Saturday, May 2, 2009


I miss being a Mom. Asa should be 5 months old. We should have moved to Illinois. I should be starting grad school. Mostly I should still be a Mom. Things have been OK lately, the tide is out, and we can breathe. We have had a lot of company in town lately, which is good. Solid distraction, not just while their here, but preparing for the visits and resuming normal life after. We are trying to get pregnant again. Its almost as exciting to get a positive ovulation test as it is to get a postive pregnancy test. Along with that goes a lot of fear, like how much loss can we survive, could we do this again... A very well intentioned family member said the other day, "So things are finally getting back to normal for you." Ummm, no. Or at least not the way they meant.

The house is coming along, I've painted most of it, and installed landscaping... Next a nursery! I have been imaging a quilt that I would like to make for the strictly imaginary new baby that is kind of folky that says. "Mama loves baby, Papa loves baby, Asa loves baby, We all love the baby!"

Its hard to imagine another baby. Asa was so soft, so sweet, his cry gravely, like a folk singer. He smelled so good, and was pretty much the cutest little guy I ever met. He is living on my mantle as I can no longer stand the possibility of letting him go.


Lea said...

"He is living on my mantle as I can no longer stand the possibility of letting him go." - I totally hear you. We have Nicholas home with us too... where he belongs.

Glad to hear a little more sunshine in your voice. I wish Asa was there with you to plan the new quilt.


Fireflyforever said...

I love the idea for the quilt - and I believe Asa will be there in some way, through a new pregnancy, wrapped in your heart.

Rachele said...

The quilt sounds beautiful - I'd love to see some pictures if/when you make it.

That picture is lovely. I'm sure Asa will be with you and your new child, whenever that time comes. *hugs*

(MommaSomeday on MDC)

Dalene said...

It's nice to hear from you again. I'm so sorry that Asa wasn't here to mark 5 months with his mama. Beautiful picture--I can tell that he was much loved and cared for during his time here on earth.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to let you know I just read your entire blog in 1 sitting. I was so touched by your whole story and amazed by your strength. It must be so hard. But I am happy to hear that he had such a loving family while he was alive, remember that. And it's better he lived and had a loving family than never took a breath at all. Good luck with whatever the future brings you.


オテモヤン said...


Anonymous said...

I just came across your blog and it really hit home. I also lost my precious Miles to TOF with PA. He was 3 months old when he passed away. He had been through 6 surgeries in his short life and there came a point where the doctors told us there was nothing else they could do and his little heart would not recover. He passed away in my arms on feb 7, 2012. I'm not sure if you will even get this comment, im not sure if you even check this blog anymore. If you do, I would love to chat. You know what i'm going through and no one else seems too.