Saturday, May 2, 2009


I miss being a Mom. Asa should be 5 months old. We should have moved to Illinois. I should be starting grad school. Mostly I should still be a Mom. Things have been OK lately, the tide is out, and we can breathe. We have had a lot of company in town lately, which is good. Solid distraction, not just while their here, but preparing for the visits and resuming normal life after. We are trying to get pregnant again. Its almost as exciting to get a positive ovulation test as it is to get a postive pregnancy test. Along with that goes a lot of fear, like how much loss can we survive, could we do this again... A very well intentioned family member said the other day, "So things are finally getting back to normal for you." Ummm, no. Or at least not the way they meant.

The house is coming along, I've painted most of it, and installed landscaping... Next a nursery! I have been imaging a quilt that I would like to make for the strictly imaginary new baby that is kind of folky that says. "Mama loves baby, Papa loves baby, Asa loves baby, We all love the baby!"

Its hard to imagine another baby. Asa was so soft, so sweet, his cry gravely, like a folk singer. He smelled so good, and was pretty much the cutest little guy I ever met. He is living on my mantle as I can no longer stand the possibility of letting him go.