Friday, February 27, 2009

Its been over 2 months

Its been 2 months since we lost our little big guy. We happened to have a meeting with our counselor that night. Overall, I'd say we are holding up pretty well. Its strange how much I still feel Asa's presence. Last night we were a performance at a local college, the seat next to me was open and I totally felt Asa next to me. Not baby Asa, but 20 year old Asa. This was the first time I ever saw him as being older than maybe 2 years old. I still talk to him, inviting him to come lay down with us when we are getting ready for bed.

We have made the move to the new house and although Asa never actually lived there, he is still totally present. The new house is totally beautiful, and full of positive energy, excitement about the future. Both of us had a lot of aprehension about leaving the old apartment. Although we had totally outgrown it, it had been our home for nearly 4 years. Almost our entire marriage, the only place we had shared with our son was spent inside of its colorful walls.

Asa has moved to the new house. I really like him here and am having second thoughts about taking him to Vermont for the big sleep.

Andrew's Words

Andrew stood up after his father said the homily and unexpectedly shared some words of his own... I really appreciated what he had to share.

These are the pieces of a broken heart

A pacifier that I've carried in my pocket since I lost you

Your smell on your clothes that your mother cannnot bear to wash

Your empty place in the center of our car

A fragile weight missing from my arms

Black and white and red and yellow cards I made all night for you with your mother

Your ageless face in pictures saved to show your brothers and sisters and neices and nephews, my children and grandchildren

Lessons you taught me to teach them

A gentle beauty past wires and tubes, needles and blood