Saturday, May 2, 2009


I miss being a Mom. Asa should be 5 months old. We should have moved to Illinois. I should be starting grad school. Mostly I should still be a Mom. Things have been OK lately, the tide is out, and we can breathe. We have had a lot of company in town lately, which is good. Solid distraction, not just while their here, but preparing for the visits and resuming normal life after. We are trying to get pregnant again. Its almost as exciting to get a positive ovulation test as it is to get a postive pregnancy test. Along with that goes a lot of fear, like how much loss can we survive, could we do this again... A very well intentioned family member said the other day, "So things are finally getting back to normal for you." Ummm, no. Or at least not the way they meant.

The house is coming along, I've painted most of it, and installed landscaping... Next a nursery! I have been imaging a quilt that I would like to make for the strictly imaginary new baby that is kind of folky that says. "Mama loves baby, Papa loves baby, Asa loves baby, We all love the baby!"

Its hard to imagine another baby. Asa was so soft, so sweet, his cry gravely, like a folk singer. He smelled so good, and was pretty much the cutest little guy I ever met. He is living on my mantle as I can no longer stand the possibility of letting him go.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Cardinal Glennon's

I signed up with Uncle Bruce to volunteer at the Ronald McDonald Family Room in Cardinal Glennons. I went for training today and this was my first time back since losing Asa. I cried in the waiting room in the NICU, where I had gone to visit some of his nurses, and I saw the ER doctor who was there on Christmas. I didn't say anything to him, what is there to say I guess, but overall it was really good to go back there. I am excited about volunteering and talking to the families who are there with their little people. I saw a baby who would be about Asa's age now getting wheeled around wrapped up in blankets in a wagon. He/she had on a little duck sleep sack that we had for Asa. I totally just wanted to pick this child up and love on it... I think its time for a baby.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Its been over 2 months

Its been 2 months since we lost our little big guy. We happened to have a meeting with our counselor that night. Overall, I'd say we are holding up pretty well. Its strange how much I still feel Asa's presence. Last night we were a performance at a local college, the seat next to me was open and I totally felt Asa next to me. Not baby Asa, but 20 year old Asa. This was the first time I ever saw him as being older than maybe 2 years old. I still talk to him, inviting him to come lay down with us when we are getting ready for bed.

We have made the move to the new house and although Asa never actually lived there, he is still totally present. The new house is totally beautiful, and full of positive energy, excitement about the future. Both of us had a lot of aprehension about leaving the old apartment. Although we had totally outgrown it, it had been our home for nearly 4 years. Almost our entire marriage, the only place we had shared with our son was spent inside of its colorful walls.

Asa has moved to the new house. I really like him here and am having second thoughts about taking him to Vermont for the big sleep.

Andrew's Words

Andrew stood up after his father said the homily and unexpectedly shared some words of his own... I really appreciated what he had to share.

These are the pieces of a broken heart

A pacifier that I've carried in my pocket since I lost you

Your smell on your clothes that your mother cannnot bear to wash

Your empty place in the center of our car

A fragile weight missing from my arms

Black and white and red and yellow cards I made all night for you with your mother

Your ageless face in pictures saved to show your brothers and sisters and neices and nephews, my children and grandchildren

Lessons you taught me to teach them

A gentle beauty past wires and tubes, needles and blood

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Asa's Autopsy

Maybe a week and a half ago, we first heard Asa's preliminary autopsy results. It would appear that he didn't die of a heart attack like we thought. I guess the general feeling is that it was neuro, a seizure or a stroke, something in the cortex of the brain. His brain was small, which means that he probably would have had mental retardation. Its that last part that got to me. He was doing everything that a 5 and a half week old kid should do... and its all speculation. There is no way of knowing exactly what his capabilities would have been, but it really bothered me when they said that he would have had MR. So anyways, I asked what the final autopsy results would tell us, I was told that pretty much previous findings will either be confirmed or not. So basically, Asa had a neurological incident that affected the respiratory center of Asa's brain and so he stopped breathing.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

New House Pics

We are planning to close on Feb 4th...

The last few days

Andrew and I are still staying with his folks. We've got a contract on a house. We started looking while Asa was still with us, and decided to keep the momentum going. With that my mood has kind of gone from constantly melancholy to happy and excited followed immediately by sad and lonley. We really need this to change the momentum. We basically felt like we were at where we were a year ago, asking ourselves, "Should we buy a house? Should we have a baby? Should I go to grad school now?" I want to go back to our apartment, it reeks of Asa and our time with him. To me, I want to go back and continue mourning him. My husband never needs to go back there again. Its not a part of the process for him. We should get the autopsy results soon, possibly this week. Maybe we should wait until after that to go home. I guess this is the equivalent of blog rambling.

Friday, January 2, 2009

On Christmas Morning

These pics are from Christmas morning. We took Asa to Aunty Katy's house where he opened gifts with his cousin Cecilia. Daddy's holding a teething ring, a gift for later from Cecilia. His outfit was his Uncle Paul's from 25 years ago. He is such a beautiful babe. Changing so fast.