Monday, December 29, 2008

Asa's Greatest Hits: Early Days: Vol. 1

Day In, Day Out

We only had Asa home with us for about 3 and 1/2 weeks, but after the first few days of having him home, we had found a rhythm. I am just writing this so that I don't forget our routine. We came home from the hospital with what seemed like gallons of breast milk in storage, so Andrew would take the first morning feeding and put Asa back down before he left for work. Asa and I would officially get up sometime after 9 or 10 when he'd wake up and I'd pull him into bed to eat.


I started this post 12/29, and am really kicking myself for not finishing it... there is that hindsight again.

On losing Asa

This is from my post on

This Christmas, I lost my 5 week old son, Asa. I miss him so much and there is just a hole. My arms ache for him and my body knows its missing an infant. I just can't believe he was really taken from me so quickly.

He had a congenital heart condition, but had already had his first round of surgery at one week. All of the feedback we'd gotten from doctors was that his condition was highly treatable, babies with this condition have good outcomes and most specifically, he was doing really well. He was seen by a cardiologist of Christmas eve and was told he looked good.

On Christmas eve morning, we called his cardiologist because he said one of his meds might need to be adjusted and one of the ways we would know is if he was struggling at all to eat. He seemed to me to be getting a little more winded when he ate, so we called the doctor and the on-call doctor called back. The office wasn't having hours till Monday and honestly if they were having hours on Friday, we probably wouldn't have even paged them, we would have just waited until Friday. The doctor on call was not familiar with my son, so he had us bring him in to get checked out in the ER. This entire time I was dragging my feet, thinking, "He doesn't need to go the the ER, he just needs his meds adjusted. This isn't a good use of the ER, maybe we should call him back and tell him we'll watch him." My husband insisted he go, saying I would be neurotic over Christmas if we waited, lets just go, get a clean bill of health and enjoy Christmas.

We had an appointment to talk to a mortgage broker, so my husband took him and I was going to follow after the appointment. I called after the appointment to see where they were at with everything and my husband told me not to come because they were just waiting on something small and he should be leaving. Fast forward 3 hours, DH is on his way home with Asa and DH is a mess. He is crying, upset. I guess it had taken several sticks to get blood in the ER, and Asa was so upset. DH was having to hold him down and Asa was looking right at him while all this was going on. He didn't eat well and threw up some of his food.

The important part about the ER visit is that we were told everything looked good, he had been on the monitor, done a chest xray and was seen by a cardiologist.

He was fussy and wanted to be held overnight. He fed alot, every hour and a half to two hours. He slept little and all day the Christmas Day just wanted to be held. What a blessing, he spent his last 18 hours in the arms of his mother and father.

We were at my inlaws and around dinner time, he was still fussy, so DH was in the living room with the baby. We'd just gotten DH a plate so that he could sit with the baby and eat, but Asa was finally asleep so DH snuck upstairs and put him down in my inlaws nursery. We had a baby monitor in the kitchen. DH sat down and ate maybe a couple bites of food, when his brother who was next to the monitor said, "DH, the baby is fussing." DH sat his fork down and went up to get the baby. He didn't finish eating, didn't stall. In the 90 seconds that it took him to get downstairs, the baby turned blue. DH was yelling for me. I went into the kitchen and we immediatly started CPR. Someone else called 911, the medics were there in maybe 3 minutes. It was so fast. So while DH and I were doing CPR, Asa was taking his last breaths, right there with mommy and daddy. Daddy's face to his face and mommy standing over. He is so loved.

The medics whisked him off to the ER. They never got a pulse. We were taken into one of those rooms once we got there and the chaplain kept coming and saying they are still going compressions, lots of people in the room, thats a good sign. But I know that people with pulses don't get chest compressions. So after about half an hour a doctor came down to talk to us.

We were allowed to hold our baby. He was just so beautiful and so soft. He never really liked to be held across your chest, so it was kind of weird to be holding him in a position he never really liked. I got to rock him. I just miss him so much. I wanted him so bad. I just ache for him from my soul and I ache that my DH has to hurt so much. He was just a lover. And I know he had a heart condition, but if never occurred to me that I could lose him. We're just in shock.

Services are going to be New Years Eve, and I expect that will be the second hardest day of my life. I don't want to say good bye to my little guy. I just miss him so much.